hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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