This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
