tonight lets celebrate not being married
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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