just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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