Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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