He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
