I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
