i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Two words: nipple clamps
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