It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
