in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
