I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
