My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
