remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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