His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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