Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Then you guys just all showered together...?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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