I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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