Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
