3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have aggressive nipples.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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