there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dicks are not precious.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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