You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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