Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
