dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
