Hey man sorry I got all grabby
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
