I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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