i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
