Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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