I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
