I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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