Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
