are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
