This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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