And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
