there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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