I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
