Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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