VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
