I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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