I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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