the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
