I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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