I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
