So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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