i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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