Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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