Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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