So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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