oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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