he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
