Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
