But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
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You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
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Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Drake has all the answers
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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