My girlfriend figured out who you are.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, āAw fuck, Iām going to feel this in the morning.ā
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
