I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
