I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
