the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
