apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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