so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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