3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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