id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
