I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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