Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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