Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
