one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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