Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
