Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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